Triple Birthday

3 July 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — Chinatown Soccer Club stars Kevin “Keveronesi” Trageser, Duncan Hamilton and Dan “The Danimal” Funderburgh celebrated a triple birthday prior to the club’s practice session this morning, the Newswire has learned.

Even though the trio reached a combined age of 107 today, Coach Stochl insisted that all of them have consistently maintained fitness levels that should qualify them to continue their careers at the highest level for the foreseeable future.

“Trageser, Hamilton and Funderburgh are pillars of our club and we are extremely lucky to have them in the squad,” the Austrian said.

The birthday boys pose with a box of healthy cupcakes from the nearby Babycakes bakery.

Neitz Signs Contract Extension

30 June 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — Troubled midfielder Dom “The Dominator” Neitz is set to stay with the Chinatown Soccer Club after signing a two-year contract extension last week, the Newswire has learned.

Sources close to the player revealed that Coach Stochl called on his father to initiate clear-the-air talks with the player at his Bushwick mansion (see below) during Stochl Sr.’s recent visit to New York.

“I have a responsibility for all of my players and their futures are a big concern for a coach. If you are asking for advice and it was your son, you would give him the best advice possible. I’m sure he [Neitz] knows that he is at the right club,” Stochl said.

Neitz and Stochl Sr. at the player’s loft in Brooklyn.

Confed Cup Final

29 June 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — Team America’s glorious run in the Confederations Cup came to a grinding halt yesterday with a bitter 3-2 loss to Brazil in the competition’s final.

A number of Chinatown Soccer Club players cheered on the United States at a viewing party hosted by Jason “Goods” Goodman in Soho (see below), following the club’s traditional Sunday morning practice session and could hardly believe their eyes when the Americans opened up a 2-0 lead before halftime.

Despite squandering what looked like the perfect opportunity to win a first major international competition, the Americans have plenty of positives to take back home from South Africa, among them comprehensively beating Egypt and Spain, the team currently ranked number one in the world.

Coach Stochl made sure to bring along his adopted country’s beverage of choice.

Clint Dempsey (above) and Landon Donovan gave the U.S. a two-goal halftime lead.

Dan “The Danimal” Funderburgh gave Stochl a lift back home after an inspiring performance by the United States.

America, Fuck Yeah!

25 June 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — With Team America comprehensively beating a Spanish side currently ranked number one in the world at the Confederations Cup in South Africa yesterday, Chinatown Soccer Club staples Jason “Goods” Goodman and Kevin “Keveronesi” Trageser proudly sported their U.S. jerseys during the club’s practice session this morning (see below).

Goodman and Trageser point out yesterday’s impressive score line.

Showdown in Chinatown

24 June 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — The Chinatown Soccer Club’s Stanton Street ground will host a star-studded soccer match to benefit foundations set up by basketball superstar Steve Nash and iconic American midfield maestro Claudio Reyna this evening, the Newswire has learned.

The second annual “Showdown in Chinatown” will feature Nash, Reyna, Thierry Henry, Tony Parker, Javier Zanetti and more of the world’s best soccer and basketball players taking part in a friendly pickup match in downtown New York.

Hours before fans started to descend upon Chinatown, a CSC delegation played a practice match inside a significantly altered Stanton Street ground with stadium-style seating gracing the northern end of the pitch.

“We’re obviously happy to welcome back Claudio and his friends, especially for a good cause like this,” Coach Stochl said after posing for pictures with the former United States national team captain (see below).

The positive vibes were temporarily tested when it emerged that the logo for Nash’s “Football for Good” academy closely resembled the CSC’s famous crest (see below).

Fortunately, the simmering dispute was graciously diffused by winger Justin “Crazy Legs” Fines who designed the CSC’s logo years ago and simply commented that “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”

CSC players pose in front of the “Showdown in Chinatown” banner prior to their early morning practice session.

Dom “The Dominator” Neitz and the enigmatic Kaman take advantage of the additional seating alongside the pitch.

Jason “Goods” Goodman once again impressed with his tireless running.

The new banners behind the goal did nothing to deter forward Mike Messenie from shooting at every opportunity.

Geordie wizard Dan Alder executes a perfect cutback in front of the new grandstand.

The squad poses with U.S. legend Claudio Reyna (second from right in back row).

The “Football for Good” logo next to the CSC’s crest. Spot the similarities.

Father’s Day

21 June 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — Just in time for Father’s Day, Coach Stochl Sr. made a surprise visit to the Chinatown Soccer Club’s Stanton Street pitch earlier today, the Newswire has learned.

“My dad is here for a long weekend and his experience will help me make some tough decisions concerning the current squad, no doubt about it,” his son said.

Stochl Sr. warmed up with the team (see below) and kept a close eye on a few key players during the two-hour session, offering priceless advice when necessary.

The 64-year-old Viennese legend also spent time with some of the club’s stars off the pitch and was given an exclusive tour of the Fort Pitt firehouse by energetic forward and New York City firefighter Peter “The Rifle” Bici (see below).

Coach Stochl Sr. poses at the CSC’s Stanton Street pitch prior to the club’s traditional Sunday morning training session.

Showing some neat touches while warming up with the squad.

The seasoned campaigner provided tactical advice throughout the game.

Stochl Sr. pointed out the importance of passing the ball during a one-on-one session with forward Mike Messenie.

The Stochls after today’s practice session.

Peter “The Rifle” Bici and Coach Stochl Sr. during the Austrian’s tour of the Fort Pitt firehouse.

The Viennese legend climbed aboard a vintage firetruck for a photo-op.

Funderburgh Hits Los Angeles

18 June 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — Versatile powerhouse Dan “The Danimal” Funderburgh has been spotted training with Chinatown Soccer Club legend Charlie Becker in Los Angeles, the Newswire has learned (see below).

Becker, who recently returned from China, has been a prominent fixture at West Coast soccer events since his move at the end of the 2007 season and was reportedly delighted to have Funderburgh join him for a late-night practice match earlier this week.

Despite rumors about following in Becker’s footsteps, fan-favorite Funderburgh assured supporters that he is in Los Angeles to take part in a group art show and will definitely be back on the Stanton Street pitch in New York next week.

Funderburgh and Becker pose for a snapshot after a recent practice match in Los Angeles.

The two CSC players with a group of West Coast all-stars.

Funderburgh’s artwork will be part of a group show opening on Saturday.

Bouncing Beard

15 June 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — The Newswire today presents exclusive footage of Chinatown Soccer Club defender Peter “The Beard” Sutherland utilizing a trampoline to further enhance his already impressive aerial capabilities.

While club officials declined to comment on the grainy video, Coach Stochl conceded that “few defenders attack the ball as well and have such a high clearance percentage as him [Sutherland].”

In a related development, the CSC confirmed that Sutherland is currently in Paris, France where a show of his recent artwork is set to open later this week (see below).

Wet Warriors

12 June 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — The Chinatown Soccer Club enjoyed a productive one-hour training session despite the occasional warm summer rain this morning, the Newswire has learned.

Curiously, some of the club’s more well-known players were absent and might now have to face an internal disciplinary commission.

While a CSC spokesperson refused to comment officially, the Newswire was able to confirm that the absentees included Kevin “Keveronesi” Trageser, Dom “The Dominator” Neitz and Zien Li.

All three could be hit with a fine and will most certainly have to face the wrath of Coach Stochl, with Neitz expected to be in line for a particularly strong dressing down.

After a promising start to his CSC career, the defensive midfielder has lately been making headlines with a string of disciplinary problems and off-the-pitch antics, leading some pundits to question his long-term future at the club.

The players who did show up were treated to an entertaining practice match which focused on improving technical expertise.

Record Ronnie

11 June 2009

New York (Chinatown Newswire) — A world-record transfer fee of roughly $131 million has paved the way for Cristiano Ronaldo to leave Manchester United for Real Madrid.

The deal comes only days after the Spanish giants paid $92 million for Brazil and AC Milan playmaker Kaká and rings in the second coming of the so-called Galácticos.

Ronaldo, who during his six seasons at United won every conceivable trophy with the team from Manchester and in the process collected whatever individual award was on offer, will fulfill his boyhood dream by joining Madrid and hopes to drag them back ahead of arch rivals Barcelona.

Following are a few highlights of the Portuguese winger’s career at Old Trafford via the Guardian.